So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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