I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
