Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
