I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
