ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
this hospital has no fireball
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
