Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
