hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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