I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
