you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
