Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
