boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
