Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She even gives head with a lisp.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
