i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
