She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
