I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
