I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
