my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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