and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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