Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
