Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
