You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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