dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
