He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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