I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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