Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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