i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
