Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
