3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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