i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
bring money and cleavage
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
