I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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