in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
as a side note pls kill me
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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