This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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