me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
