Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
