I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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