I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
