The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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