After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
