im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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