I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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