I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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