I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
