Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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