I'm so fucking centered right now
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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