he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
