Plan B is the new Plan A
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
