I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
