the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
