I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
