My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
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We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
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do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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