yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
