Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
