I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
