It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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