The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
