How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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